Today should be all about the beautiful city…I could tell you about the Grand Arch De Defense and L’Avenue De Gaulle; I could tell you about the walk in brilliant sunshine down to L’Arc de Triomphe and the dangling flag; the bus journey to Place de la Concorde and the needle glistening in the sun; the walk down Les Jardines Tuilleries and the Place du Carousell; the glass Pyramid. and the Crypt; the Batobus journey down the Seine; lunch on a boat at the foot of the Eiffel Tower; the Metro to Galleries Lafayette; the 101 through Joinville and the basking in the evening sun on our patio.
I could tell you about all of those things (and the 10.5km of shanks’s pony it took to get to them all) but today was about the toilets.
And the toilets in the underground crypt at the Louvre to be precise. Self proclaimed cleanest toilets in not just Paris, but France itself. Such was the prestige that there was a queue of people, not to use the toilets, but to take selfies in front of the wall of designer toilet paper that they sell for NINE EUROS A ROLL.
I checked the menu of stalls…and after much consideration of the Japanese Spa cubicle, the deluxe gold standard cubicle and the mind boggling 5 Euro suite cubicle, I settled on the
cheapest much-desired 1 euro 50 “trend cubicle”.
After the attendant had personally cleaned my cubicle for me (despite the fact I hadn’t seen anyone in it), she then proceeded to collect me from the queue and hand deliver me to the toilet itself.
My language knowledge didn’t run to enquiring if there was an actual wiping service included, but I was afraid of that answer anyway. She demonstrated the locking mechanism to me, which was exactly the same as every toilet I’ve ever been in, and then (thank goodness) left me in there as she shut the door for me and held it while I locked it. She then checked the door was locked and shouted a cheery “ok” so I knew it was safe to begin.
Each cubicle has its own designer wallpaper (which you can buy, should you so desire, for 39€ a roll) and a glass cabinet of a selection of different toilet rolls also available for purchase.
When I finally exited (I had a browse of mumsnet while I was there, to take advantage of the peace of being given sans enfant for 5 minutes) the attendant ushered me to the sinks and showed me how to work them. I mean, I knew…but she was ever so nice. The taps were Dyson air blade taps. I don’t really know what that means – it just felt like water to me, but for all I know it could have already passed through mountain dwelling blonde virgins on its way to my sink.
My experience was completed by a quick spritz of unwanted hand cream and some perfume.
I just don’t think I was clean enough to use those toilets. She sanitised my cubicle after I left with something that looked like Jo Malone perfume.
Anyway – I genuinely did see some amazing Parisian sights today, but I will never forget those beautiful bogs….